Lazy because I'm sat at work on my laptop with the intention of working on my diploma in health and social care but... look where I am!! I am procrastination personified. Not a trait I'm particularly fond of. =/
So if you've been wondering where I've been, I was trying to start a new page. I was keeping it up for a while, uploading and journaling, etc, until it had occurred to me; THIS page is OLD! It's so old that it's a part of me. The whole thing is my identity whether I like it or not. My gallery, while quite crappy in a lot of areas, is my journey as an artist. A lot of it makes me cringe, but then so does some of the stuff I do now!
But maybe I'm being a bit too negative. I think I forgot why I was a busy user of DA. It wasn't because I wanted everyone to notice me (I'm never going to be as acclaimed as most other artists. I'm pretty average.) I like being part of a big community of like-minded people. I love recieving feedback for the work I do. I like looking back through my gallery and seeing how much I've improved and evolved over the years. I watch who I watch because I look up to them and I value their opinions and admire their skill and creativity. Coming back after so much inactivity, it's great to see how much growing these artists have done themselves. It also makes me realise why my activity here and as an artist declined to a absolute standstill...
I had ambition. I had SO MUCH ambition!! I wanted to be an animator working at a games studio or... SOMETHING! I didn't have a specific plan because not everything in this world goes the way you like. All I knew was that I wanted to animate because I knew I was pretty good at it. So I went to college. I was one of the best artists and animators in both my access to higher education course and my animation course. In fact I was told I had a lot of potential and was the particular envy of everyone in my life drawing class.
So what went wrong? I got depressed. I mean suicidal, self-hating, socially broken, anxiety-ridden, totally unconfident in my abilities as an artist, a student and even a human being. Why? Fucked if I know! Maybe I didn't feel like I belonged amongst these young, enthused budding animators. Maybe I just don't handle stress well. Maybe I thought I was wasting my time. It all got too much and I decided to throw in the towel. Maybe wait another year before committing myself to higher education. Too bad the following year animation wasn't even on the prospectus at my college due to lack of interest. I went on to illustration which I really didn't care for. What I didn't know at the time was that that course would have been absolutely ideal for me now. I only wanted animation though because that's what my ambition dictated, and I'm a stubborn shit at times. I dropped out again and my hopes of ever becoming any kind of professional artist and my creative output ultimately vanished. I was nobody. I was worthless. I was a failure. Those feelings still creep up on me every now and then. Sometimes I feel like a has-been that never was, which might be more accurate than I'd like.
So here I am. I still have my ambitions intact. They're not the same but I still have them. I realised that I don't produce work because I wanted something out of it, because I remembered that when I started, when I was a wee boy, all I could get out of it was my own personal enjoyment. The joy of creating. The sense of pride when you're finished. That feeling I always get that keeps me awake just to turn the light back on and look at what I've spent hours making in pride.
I'm starting to get those feelings back. I know I'll never have a stable job as an artist. I know I'll never be able to afford to go back to college and I'm sure as hell not getting any younger. But I still have a skill that I can nurture for my own enjoyment. For my own sense of achievement. I'm not the best, but who gives a shit? I'm not doing this for anyone but myself, and if I am doing it for someone, I know I'll always give it my all! Besides, I have a studio to make use of and a flat to decorate!